Not So Innocent

It's not the way you think. It isn't strictly Animaniacs. I love Animaniacs, but dedicating a whole site to it burned me out. It wasn't fun. Mommy, Rich, everything intermingled, no wonder I had such a hard time with my fanfiction and site!

Well, I've found my closure with my father in law. I saw him for myself as I stared at his urn at my Brother in law's house. They still need to bury him, but he's just waiting up on a shelf...like decoration. It's freaky. Dad is in an urn.

I cried a lot, a lot for the missed times, a lot for the times we never spent together. I cried for my daughter who would never get to see her grandfather or really know what a terrific man he was. I cried about the fact that I had been too shy in my life to ever try and call him dad more than a few times...even toward the end.

Most importantly, if you ever read when Not So Innocent first began, you'd know I started BECAUSE of him. THAT is why it was so hard to continue! I pressed on my Not So Innocent fanfiction ways and site, no matter what anyone thought because I knew life was short. His would be short. Then, when he got better and his cancer had been said to have 'disappeared', I really had fun with the site. It was great!

Little beknownst that less than a month later of being 'cured', his cancer would strike aggressively and he'd have three months to live. It was hard, and I had worked overtime on NSI, even starting Bring Back Animaniacs. I started a bunch of things for ANimaniacs. I guess psychologically I thought if Animaniacs was successful, Rich would be alright. It wasn't true of course, but maybe that's why I tried so hard that I burned out?

I tried other things, like concentrating on just my fanfiction. Burnout. I tried an Inuyasha fanfiction, since it's fanfiction was always a hit. Burnout. I tried to improve my writing and writing for real. Burnout. I tried forums. Burnot. I tried Best Written Fanfiction. Burnout.

I kept burning out, and nothing felt right. There was nothing right and no matter how much I did it didn't feel right. That's because I had forgot why I started NSI. Partly Rich, but I just wanted to have a site that I could express my odd self. I chose Animaniacs because I love Animaniacs. That was it, that was the reason I started.

Abby made things hard too, I couldn't work on the computer and watch her at the same time. She is getting older now though, wanders off less, and I have my whole computer room fixed so that she can't get into trouble. She can even wander into her room and down the hallway now, she isn't always in my arms going 'hold me'. On the contrary, if I try to hold her many times she'll be like 'put me down'!

Wow, I had a lot to say didn't I? Well, I am happy that I said it. I'm happy that I figured it out. So anyway, let me get back to the original line...

I am starting Not So Innocent, but it is not exclusively Animaniacs. It's Animaniacs and Sonic the Hedgehog. When I have enough on that too, I'll add another one. Probably Tiny toons but who knows? My other stuff will hang out at my wordpress and my fanfiction will stay on Animetionacs, just hooked up like the archive is part of NSI.

And yes, I am still working on Animaniacs! In fact, I just finished a new wallpaper for Dot! It's called 'Too hot for you!'.^^ It's pink, it's delicious, and you'll love it when you see it.

For now, I have work to do. I have my design done, but it's time to add that fun thing called 'content'.

An epiphany. I understand now. It's not depression. It's not the baby. It's not being a mommy. It's not being stuck in the house. It's not because I lost NSI. It's not because I stopped writing for awhile. It's not because I couldn't finish my works.

I fell into the same thing again. Here I have wordpress and I fell into the 'still not right'. 'Still not right' is how everything felt. NSI, Animetionacs, Dreams2nightmares, Best Written Fanfiction, everything. I didn't understand why. Why had my writing changed? Why had I changed? Everything because I became a mommy?

I thought maybe I wanted to write for real. Tried it. It was okay, but really hard. I tried for my fanfiction, which made me feel better. It made me appreciate my fanfiction more, but it still wasn't right. I've wondered over and over and I keep finding fake conclusions. Things that sound like it could have been it.

As I stared at my almost 13 month old little girl, it hit me. It hit me HARD why I had changed so much.

She smiled at me with her grandpa's eyes. Her grandpa passed away one month before she was born. Not my father, he was my father-In-Law. My husband took his sudden death very hard. He went to the funeral, but i was so far along and with my gestational diabetes the trip wouldn't be 100% safe.
I never had the closure of the funeral, but I didn't think it mattered.
I was wrong. Something has been wrong and it was coming across in everything I did or attempted. I failed at everything, nothing seemed right. That's because it wasn't right.
He wasn't just a father-in-law. He was like a father. Even though I had only known him three years I was very close to him. We lived with him for a whole year while my husband found work after college. I lived with him, I ate with him, I laughed with him everyday.
I just never knew or understood how much I really loved him until he was gone.
I loved my father-in-law, but I can't see him and he'll never see Abby.

I have to deal with these feelings. There's no escaping any longer...

I'll be gone from the 3rd to the 6th. I'll try to get forbidden part 2 and the revised part 1 up on efiction today if I can. I have a summer cold (my toddy does too) so it depends if I feel better later.

If not, read the advanced fiction. Go to (Snapshot says error but it's working!) http://notsoinnocent.bravehost.com, and head to the link that says advanced fiction. (The site is not quite ready for visitors, I'll make an announcement when it is, but you can look around.)

Caution! Read at least the beginning of Forbidden Part 1 and the ending again. I added some editing to match part II so we could go into part three. Hope you enjoy it, but if you don't, oh well. I enjoy it!

So happy 4th of July everybody, enjoy Independence Day!

Almost done! I was trying to combine dreams2nightmares with my efiction and forum. I was on the final step, getting everything to match, when I discovered something old...but new.
Wordpress! My stuff and interests go all over the place it was hard to keep it all straight. Enter wordpress. It doesn't matter what I write or upload, everyone can come. People who like layouts, fanfictions, cartoons, etc.

I have taken my efiction and placed on two designs. One put up with hardly any changes, and one I've made the standard and recolored. That's it, so it matches my wordpress.

I have nulled out the forum, and nulled out reviews. To comment, they just have to speak right on wordpress.

-I'm getting most if not all my Animaniacs stuff back. I've got efiction integrated. I've got advanced fiction up. It shouldn't be long and I'll have all my little sites rolled into one simple area.

Yes! I am FINALLY happy. s

It's complete! Finally! Forbidden I has been slightly polished so that it and Forbidden II will flow together, to go into Forbidden III. I am so proud of myself, I was so worried I would fall into some kind of trap and I didn't. The whole thing turned out the way I wanted it too.
I just have to zip up Forbidden I into it's PDF form. Dreams2nightmares should (hopefully) be up tomorrow now! It's time to start construction on Animetionacs, place only the finished stories on there and bring everything else to Dreams2nightmares when they are completed.
I am so happy I have finally accomplished this. I was beginning to think being a good mother would mean sacrificing my fanfiction. Well, it doesn't! I can't do as much, true, but limited time on the internet is good for people anyhow.
Besides, without Abby I never would have figured out that completing a story FIRST before putting chapters up makes a huge difference in the end.

I would have had everything ready today, but Abby had a playgrounp. She had a little fun swimming, not a whole lot, a little scared because it was the first time she was in a babypool. I hung out with other moms, and now, hopefully Abby will take her nap. My husband comes home in a few minutes and it's chili dog night with his obnoxious mother. Well, at least there's chili dogs. Oh well, nothing can bring me down. I feel great!

...but it doesn't flow right with Forbidden I, so I think I'll change just a smidge (I will just add, not subtract) in Forbidden I. This smidge will lead to Forbidden II and they will perfectly set up Forbidden III. Yeah, go me!

Oh yes, and guess what? I am in the computer room! I've got everything set up for my little Abby. She can play in her room, the hallway and the computer room. She can come to me and get picked up when she wants me and she can play with her toys everywhere too. I brought in a coffee table from the living room (which had retired to my own bedroom for a time) and she can climb up on that as well as momma and her little ride walkers. Yeah! I really missed my computer room sooooo much! I feel a lot more like my old self when I can be on the internet like this.

So okay, let me finish up Forbidden II, change a tiny bit in Forbidden I and Dreams amd Nightmares should be up before I know it! Toodles.

Oh yes! Part III shouldn't be real gigantic either, so hopefully after that I can return to Animaniacs Return and polish her up for continuance.

Most of the time I am. Abby is JUST not going to sleep easily. (Yawn) so I guess I'll let you all know how I am doing with everything.

Forbidden Part II. I have FINALLY gotten something that will tie part I and III together. Part II starts shortly after the ending of Part II and Yakko takes us back through what happened in a flashback. Part II will conclude the ending that will break it into it's last part.

Part II is not very long, only 10 chapters, but I just couldn't put II and III together right. Oh well. I've also done my own drawing of Yakko and Aroma finally. ^^ Not the best, I've had college art classes, but I'm creative in different outlooks, not really the 'what you see in your head comes out in paper' type. I tried anyway. A little blah, but I'm proud of it and I plan on doing another one soon.

Two more minutes, then I check up on that girl. Yeah. Oh, oh yeah. Dreams 2 nightmares is looking GREAT. Totally fab right now and I want to get it up on the internet soon. Probably not today (Father's day, spend time with hubby) but maybe monday or tuesday. I also need to take down Animaniacs Return and some of my other works from Animetionacs and transform it into my 'all-finished' archive. I want to change the layout too, to something more bouncy. I'm thinking ants, what do you think? I don't want to even mess with the design, something simple will work best.

I know you guys will just love Dreams to Nightmares and I hope you like Forbidden Part II. It's my first story I've ever written in storytime. Excuse me! I have to go check on baby. If she's still moving, I'll be back. If not, bye!

Me Melanie. Me like writing. Me simple, me mother, but me writer. So in simple caveman terms, me got problem.

Luckily I have found a solution. I am on here maybe...2 hours a week, if even that? During nap times if I don't have dishes/laundry/cleaning/cooking to catch up on anyhow. Abby doesn't take that many naps anymore either.

I've got my other computer (w/o internet) set up high in the living room. (I type while I stand and it's a safe distance from my Oompa Loompa.) I have really fallen back in love with writing my stories, but I just don't feel a real connection with my efiction site, so I've come up with the following.

Animetionacs: Archive of my older stuff that is unedited. A lot of my stories will remain here, but it will remain static.

Dreams2nightmares: Will be where I have my newer stories and my old stories that have been 'repolished'. It will also have a small forum that you don't even have to signup to use. I've finished Forbidden Part II, so that will go up soon after a little more editing. (Yes, I'm serious.)I have a far amount done, but Forbidden Part 1 and Forbidden Part II's length's differ, plus there will be a change in setting and I would be very rushed to figure out how to explain everything in such a small amount of time. So, a Part III.

In part II, expect some surprises, especially the ending. You know there's a reason for a part three!

I also have another twist I am ready to try before I write Part III for Animaniacs (new story). We'll just have to see how it goes.

I do like the idea of my pdf file stories too, so I am setting an option for the stories on Dreams2nightmares to be read or downloaded.

And a note on my original fiction: I always envision characters already made, yet the stories are unique in themselves. So well...if I find stories that are just 'golden' that are fanfiction, I will 'recreate' them (character personalities, character names, nothing trademarked) and turn it into original fiction, then see how that works out. I bet it works, I bet it really does!

Let's see, I think with this option I've finally solved all my problems. I can type, I can type creatively, I can share my works and still be able to change them along the way (polished/unpolished), people can download or read, and I can continue writing my fanfiction paired with my original. I think it'll work, i really do! Give me...a couple days, okay? I need to brush up Forbidden Part II just a bit more before I'm ready to show the world the first rough draft. THAT will be when the site is set up. So for now, Toodles! I have to go get the rump roast out of the sink and start supper.

Mommy's job is never done!^.~

Oh yeah! Best Written Fanfiction. I'm never at the computer at this stage, so the site is standing still. Sorry.

It's just been crazy since Abby turned 12 months. She is now walking along furniture! So I have set up a whole area in the living room for her to explore. This of course makes it harder to come update on this computer, sorry about that folks.

We went to Kansas and everything went well...ahahah! Well, things went okay. Abby was crabby and needed a nap when we arrived but she refused to take one since it was new surroundings. So when her party rolled around she opened two presents and just went nuts after that. Daddy and I ended up opening her presents and when she took a nap on momma (had to, was too uncomfortable in the playpen to sleep.) she finally had her first taste of cake and ice cream. During this time, poor Abby starting teething on her...GASP...molars! Which are like hundred times worse than regular teething. Poor girl, new environment, teething...

She ended up going on a nursing strike. Actually, I thought she wanted to wean herself since she was refusing me so often, but I figured out yesterday that I was wrong. Most babies don't even consider weaning until their 18 months. I found out that I had caused her to not breastfeed by traveling, she was also teething badly, she had started milk and I also had her juice and water sippy cups out for her to have whenever she wanted.

Ugh! After a week of pumping I was getting low and I told my hubby we might have to move to formula. It was only then at that time I was at the computer I learned she was on a nursing strike. I took away her sippy cups yesterday and she only drinks them at her high chair or on me. I turn off TV and get rid of all distractions when she nurses, and when she gets needy I need to nurse her right away. One day and overnight she fixed herself, nursing a total of five times today! (Milk was getting low, I am horrible at pumping.) She is resting easier, napping easier, and seems much more happy overall.

Yeah!

Oh and for those of you who care, I have almost finished Forbidden Part II, I've got like 70% done. Yeah for me! Sorry for making that part short, but baby is starting to whine for me so bye bye!

My baby Abby officially turned one yesterday! Although it's early it's a long two hour trip from the panhandle of Texas to where we are going tomorrow. JK! It may be two hours, but Abby has a habbit of waking up around 2:00 or 4:00 every night right now. Most likely, this is her comforting breastfeeding moment but she refuses it at night and I am slowly weaning her with whole milk. Actually, she's almost weaned off with only 1-2 meals in 24 hour period. Good thing she likes milk.

Meanwhile it's a pain to put her back to sleep, but oh well. She'll get the hang of it. Yippee! 4:07 in the morning. Ugh! Wonder when I get time to post? At 4:00 in the morning. Maybe I won't have to randomly post almost everyday when she sleeps through the night. Come on Abby girl, go to sleep! You've got a big day tomorrow and so does mommy.

A small excerpt from Forbidden Part II:

Wendell's jaw dropped. Apparently, Wanda wasn't so pleased with the couple's behavior this year either. "They barely handled Moulin Rouge, and you are going to make them do that?!"

Yes! I am on Chapter 8 and getting closer to post my Works in Progress on the site!

Good news: Abby's growing and spending more and more time exploring and doing her own thing.
Great news: My house is 30% babyproofed. Her room is ~100% and so is our hallway. The computer room has her folded out playyard that stretches across the room so she can have half of it. So she spends a lot of her time investigating all her new areas!

Great news!:Meaning I can spend time on the internet again. Thank goodness! It's hard to run sites without much access, but what could I do? It was tricky to pull off my tricks, and our second bathroom now has a huge bookcase in it,^^', but hey it worked.

I can't wait to post Forbidden Part II finally. (Just the Work in Progress) This story has me just as excited in it, if not more than the first one! But it'll probably have to wait.

On June 4-7th I'll be in Kansas visiting my family for Abby's Birthday. (June 3rd.) After the 7th, I would look for my sites to start and update again!

Okay, I am barely on the computer anymore because Abby is just too big for the computer room. I can seal off the bottom of the computer and I can even seal off the bookcase, and she has a playyard that opens that I stretch across the room so she does not go into the display boxes, but all in all it isn't half that great. She has limited room to move, she is starting to learn how to stand and in my computer room she doesn't get that opportunity. Her room is next to the computer room down the hall, so I am trying to see if I can't connect those two.

Basically we hang out in the front room where the wires are taped and she can climb around all along our two couches to her heart's content. She also gets more room that way, and if she's a good girl and doesn't pull on the curtains (sometimes) she can get (almost) the entire room all to herself.

Ha ha, even then it's not always easy to work on my site, I have to observe her constantly. I probably work on my things less than if I was a stay at home mother though, so I never feel guilty and I am always right there. She'll just creep up to my chair and hold out her arms if she wants momma now too, but mostly she's in a phase where it's 'up, down, up, down, up, down'.

Most of the time I work on the site and my writing on my laptop that's set up in the living room, but if it seems like I'm never online, but I'm getting a lot done, that's how I do it!

Well, my Forbidden Part II has finally hit the 'danger zone' and I am a little iffy on it. It arrived there the way it should, but...I don't know. I'll reread and see if I still like the way it's going or not.

....Just a small thought. I wonder if my story would do better if I added all three together? Not all three, all three, but I mean the teeny tiny parts of Barbara Anne that Yakko is involved in might help give readers a 'feel' for how much time has gone by, and then by going into two it might flow better. I don't know, just a thought. Probably a fleeting thought, but we'll see.

I just finished editing Minutes of Eternity, but I tried to stay away from changing too much. At the end, I left most of it the same since it's a trivial part (but I've had so many people mention it in their review.)Just didn't want to screw with what works, even if might be a smidge wrong. Sometimes the imperfectness is what makes something perfect.

I think I am going to use a forum to share my original fanfiction to those who'd like to review and give advice before I put it up. It'll be bravenet because it can be embedded, anyone can post without an accout, and they are giving 1000 entries for a free one. Yeah, I know. I could make a big one, but why? My phpbb's just hang around really and take up disc space. I'll keep one for my bestwrittenfanfiction (so need to update that) but 1000 entries should be sufficient for now.
Once I finish one of my original stories and I find reliable reviewers/beta people, then I'll start a different forum altogether. I don't see that happening though until (at the very least) a year from now.

Oh yes! Forbidden II is coming along nicely, but I wanted to add something in to give it more purpose. (Yippee for waiting for the story to finish.) See? If I had posted it, I would have had to make do. Although I do like the addition of Dot, Wakko, Trouble, Genius, and others. They drive the point home very fast that it's not a sweet repeat of part 1.

Lordy, I DREAD fixing Animaniac Returns though. And I would be insane to touch JAE yet. Not even gonna look that way for a long time.

I started small but it had taken a large sum of two hours to fix it. Wow, it was an excellent story, and I could see how it raked in 75 reviews, but gosh! It really bit as a real story. My description was lacking, I had spelling mistakes, my grammar needed help, I had short and choppy sentences all over the place, and of course POV was everywhere.

My POV is everywhere with all my poor fanfiction, except Forbidden II. Wish I had started learning about real writing methods in the first place. Oh well, live and learn. Although a part of me is like 'I am touching my original, I am so bad' another part of me is like 'I needed to fix this, look at this. I can do so much better now!' Well, I'll always have the original version on ff.net anyhow.

I also worked a tiny bit on Forbidden II, but the baby is so hard to control, she is crawling all over the place. A new strategy must be made before I can type on my other computer safely. Oh, but there are 8 chapters to that now.

I'll probably go through Minutes of Eternity one more time before I call it good.

...but I think it might be a great idea. I want to take Animetionacs and Dreams2nightmares and combine the two sites. I still want to keep bestwrittenfanfiction though, because it's unique and it does give me something to do when I don't want to write. Ha ha, namely investigate and read.

Anywho, here's what I thought I would like to do:
I want to make my fanfiction the best it can be. Some already is, and I won't change that. Some though, they could be better (mostly my unfinished works) If I fix them and set them permanently 'in stone' I would feel better.
+I'd like to move everything eventually to dreams2nightmares.com OR have them play off each other:
Original fiction at dreams2nightmares and fanfiction at Animetionacs, but keeping two sites that aren't related in name but supposed to be related seems odd and inefficient. Most likely I'll stick with dreams2nightmares
+I want to make available ONLY my finished as-perfect-as-I-can-make-it fanfictions. That way I don't concentrate on 'how many people visit my site today?' or simple stuff like that. I just want to write to write and let people read to read.
+When the fanfictions are available, I don't want to just read them online. I want to turn them in PDF's to read as entire stories. This does a couple things:
1. Allows people to download the stories onto their own computer and read whenever they want instead of always coming back.
2. It allows me the opportunity to create chapters, recreate chapters, edit chapters, cut chapters, and proofread chapters. In essence, it gives me the freedom an actual author has: To create their entire story the best it can be, instead of sending out chap by chap by chap...
3. Keeps others from reading things I'll never finish.

There are a few drawbacks to this thinking. One, I'd hardly get reviews and two, people would only visit to download a new story. Although I hardly get reviews now (well for certain stuff. Best Man Steals the Bride is still pouring in at least one review a week even though I wrote it years ago.), so I don't think much about the first one. Visitors I do like, but I think if I keep everything open (like a tagboard and a forum)I'll still know people visit.

Doing this would also give me the opportunity to not 'think back' so much about what previous chapters were and rereading to make sure I 'don't screw up'. This would give me the time to concentrate on my stories. All of them, including my originals.

What do you think? It's not set in stone yet, but I think it might be a good idea.

Hey there everybody. I've got six chapters made for Forbidden so far. Nothing much besides that so I'll post more later tomorrow. Toodles!

A little studying and learning my writing craft better was what I really needed! I have been rewriting Forbidden Part II for two days and now have 39 pages! It's great and I have fallen in love with my little story all over again. I am so glad I took that break. Even if no one wants to read it, I can't stop typing it. God, there was actually a part where I got so emotional I almost felt like crying. I haven't had that happen in a long time.

I love the rewrite so much, everything flows together and the staircase moment of anger between Yakko and Aroma is so memorable. I'd tell you more, but I must continue! Onward, back to my story!

I feel a lot better hearing about other people like me that have a disorder too. I found a forum that is dedicated strictly to it. From a place to talk about the hardship of medication side affects and questions, to a section about therapy, to a section about strategies of taking care of it yourself.

There are a lot like me in the world? Yeah! Seems the internet thing is something us SAD's (Social Anxiety Disorders) have in common. We all talk like regular people in it, some even cuss, and everyone is regular.

So yeah, I guess it isn't weird I clam up in real life but I'm better at actually writing. Huh, Go Fig!

Speaking of writing, I have found my next chapter of Animaniacs Return, It All Came Back and Forbidden II. And wow, okay. Yeah, I can see why it feels rushed. It is! There's nothing but dialogue and hardly any description of anything else.

I am going to use my new techniques I have been studying from my writing books (dialogue, description, plot, etc.) to try and pull my stories out of the mud they are drowning in. I don't think I have to start over (hopefully) because that would be a pain to everyone. Maybe after I write them I'll rewrite them better.

For now, you can always visit my new group on LJ, bestwritfanfic Just started it yesterday, hopefully it will help drive some traffic to my little known site.

What is it with me sometimes? My social anxiety just gets to me in really serious ways.:( So yeah...

Anyhow, I've got it. You know, I think I've said that at least 30 times this month, but what the hell? Anyhow, I really got it this time. Actually even got a site up too for it. (Ha ha)

First thing: Fanfiction and me, something always stays connected. It is my release, and I don't have to have it perfectly done for anyone, just done. I like the fact less and less about how fanfiction is working, but I've talked to other authors and even though they are writing their own books they STILL publish fanfiction.

Fanfiction keeps me connected to others, in ways real life doesn't do. I love my hubby, but he isn't the best expert all the time when it comes to fantasy. Sometimes yes, most times? Nuh uh. He is a left brained lab technology chemist guy. I love him, but he's not real useful for my stories all the time.Except for editing, oh my poor stories.

Thought it was hard hearing the truth from beta's? Try your own hubby, and don't worry, he won't be bashful or biased. (Damn, sometimes I wish he was.)

Anyhow, I'm rattling on again. Don't know why, no one really reads this journal. It's more for me than anything. Should probably change that and get more friends on here, but heh. Say and do are two different things.

Yeah okay so all that top part was basically for this: I'm writing my fanfiction again. No story is off limits, although I might try rewriting some of them, their structure is too murky and needs help.

At the same time, I am starting my best written fanfiction site. Yes, it's actually up along with the forum now at http://bestwrittenfanfiction.com. I am also going to create an LJ group for it, to throw out some considerations and to persuade them to come.

As for my original works? Yes, I'm still working on them. Sort of. Oh heck, barely touched them. Real writing and me has always been hard. I am extremely right brained, editing is something I've never accomplished well. I've even been reading grammar books and bought grammar for dummies. Even online quizzes, which I know makes me less of an expert. At least I know the last sentence was a fragment. Ooh yip. And that wasn't a sentence at all. Eh.

Yeah, I need fanfiction to loosen me up. It might take a long three years or whatever to make my first novel but we'll see. I am still working on it though, and hopefully, if I can gain interest and readers in my fanfiction again, I can gain some readers for my original.

Then I'd feel really good. Either way, I'm feeling better already.

Yakko: "So you're coming back to us!"

Dot: "I knew you would the whole time. I'm just too cute to resist."

Robbie Rotten: "Don't forget me! She's been writing all about how brilliant I am."

Yakko: "Did I miss the cliff notes? Who's the guy in the striped outfit?"

Heh, heh. Yeah Animaniacs and others, I'll work on whatever I want. I won't commit to anything though! But I'll work again.

And I won't say anything on Animetionacs until I have at least ONE new chapter typed out!

No, no, no! It doesn't help and it hurts me in the long term.:( I don't want to go back on medicine *whines*

...I hate those days
they take ME away from me
Cold, lonely, bitter stranger
You are not me
Go away!
Must I become that shallow void of a person
The hallowed inside with no soul once again trotting
her carcass on the earth's surface?
No! I can beat this. I just need time.
Time? Ha! Your mind is too expanded,
you think curvey and zigzagged no longer straight!
I don't need them and I need them.
I don't want to need them.
Can't you hear me? You took everything away!
I can talk to strangers, for what price?
The price is too high, too mighty to give.
Social with no imagination...
No spunk, no soul.
I can't become that.
I must get a hold of myself, balance myself out!
Please Melanie!
Look at your little girl, so small and yet so big.
What is best for you to do for her...